Imagine yourself floating like a cloud, having no worries and no thoughts. You are white and fluffy, moving with the breeze of air. Then suddenly you find yourself getting condensed and rounded, and falling like a rock to the ground. That's my biggest fear. Not literally though. :)
I am always afraid of falling but not the small falls, like from bed or from a 1st floor apartment. My fear is a fear of overestimation, overestimating myself and my abilities. What if I think that I can and then I only find myself free-falling hitting the ground hard? "Most wire walkers, they ... die in the final three steps. They think they have arrived. They get arrogant and die. (The Walk, 2015)
About a year ago, I went to a therapist. I had had a melt down and for the first time ever I got the realization that I wasn't going to make it on my own. For 6 months before that, I was too stressed and I kept taking it in until I reached a milestone and I had a chance to collapse - I couldn't collapse if I had duties and liabilities, right? When I started talking with my therapist, I realized that my main problem was fear. Everything I did was done with fear. And I thought that that was the price for doing daring stuff, like rock climbing, stand up paddling alone in the sea or writing a book which exposes my emotions and intentions, good and bad. I associated fear with excitement; I thought that they have to come together; since I do daring stuff then I have to be afraid.
My therapist asked me if they can be separated but I couldn't see them apart. He then took me in a journey of he asking and I answering until I could find in myself that fear can be separated from excitement. By the end of this journey I came to understand that my fear is here to play the role of my parents. It is here to keep me alert, to keep me safe, because without it, it may be disastrous. Fear is my brakes that work to prevent me from crashing. Which is a good thing but when it was associated with excitement, fear was all the time on, even when there was no need, when there was no danger. Then I have realized that if I talk to my fear like I talk to my parents to reassure them that I have calculated my actions and that everything will be okay, then it will go away.
Do I still get afraid? All the time, but now I know how to calm it down.
